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10 August 2008 @ 03:11 am
It feels kind of like someone ripped open my chest and raped my atrium.
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
27 July 2008 @ 11:39 pm
Hey, wow it's been awhile, due to prodding from Brit  I joined the fanfic 100 for Barbossa and Jack :3

Hopefully it'll prove entertaining, though most likely my entries will all be drabbles xD

I've been through hurricane Dolly for serious, it ripped through our town and sat on us like a hen, worse than any hurricane ever because it wouldn't LEAVE half the town's power is out, mine just got turned back on and I couldn't be happier.
Current Location: An airconditioned room
Current Mood: chipperchipper
Current Music: ROOK
25 January 2008 @ 03:06 pm
Yeah pretty much the shit hit the fan, I got sick, and so did Leora in very much her own way.
I don't even want to go in what happened to Blackie and I, it was my stupid sister, her husband and my mom, now it's over and we're still friends so NYAH : P

My mom took my cpu to get more memory and stuff so my cpu will run at normal speed, apparently mine was like four times too small so I write this from my mom's computer.
my throat feels like a dying frog in a tuba.

Not that I know what that feels like...

yeah me and Blackie are gonna start  watching anime Dragon Ball Z on his end, HunterxHunter and possibly Ginga Densetsu Weed on mine.

I can't wait untill I get my computer back!

OH also I got made a Junior Staffer on COSC so am I the height of cool or what? Too bad I can hardly speak or even breathe T_T

I can still groove tho!
-dances into the night-
Current Location: Home, on the mom's cpu
Current Mood: sicksick
Current Music: That's the power of love
15 January 2008 @ 12:30 am
 There's something in the way she moves,
Or looks my way, or calls my name,
That seems to leave this troubled world behind.
And if I'm feeling down and blue,
Or troubled by some foolish game,
She always seems to make me change my mind.

And I feel fine anytime she's around me now,
She's around me now
Almost all the time
And if I'm well you can tell she's been with me now,
She's been with me now, quite a long, long time
And I feel fine.

Every now and then the things I lean on lose their meaning
And I find myself careening
Into places where I should not let me go.
She has the power to go where no one else can find me
Yes, and to silently remind me
Of the happiness and good times that I know, got to know.

It isn't what she's got to say
But how she thinks and where she's been
To me, the words are nice, the way they sound
I like to hear them best that way
It doesn't much matter what they mean
If she says them mostly just to calm me down

And I feel fine anytime she's around me now,
She's around me now
Almost all the time
And if I'm well you can tell she's been with me now,
She's been with me now quite a long, long time
And I feel fine.

-James Taylor

Blackie felt bad, and I made it better, but I ended up taking more than giving. Funny old world, he actually cheered me up when I diddn't even know I was sad.
Current Mood: chipperchipper
Current Music: I feel fine anytime she's around me now
08 January 2008 @ 07:42 am
I had a nighmare last night, Britt was in it, I was in a huge gym and a bunch of people I diddn't know were crowded around me singing to me and shit because in the dream it was my birfday, I saw Britt sitting in the corner on a cafeteria lunch table, even though I've never met her before, and she was kind of just looking up at the ceiling and muttering to herself, I tried to get her to talk to me but she kept veering off the conversation and not looking me in the eye, so I got mad, and when I got  a closer look I realized she had a head wound, the whole right side of her head and shoulder were covered with blood, and her hair was matted with it.

I tried to get people to help her but they still wouldn't talk to me or look me in the eye, they were singing and opening presents and stuff. I woke up then and felt a little racy my heart I mean. It's strange because I've not talked to Brit in awhile, but I have to admit she's been on my mind lately, for whatever reason.

At school yesterday I did nothing in math class, ironicly Guess the Ridlin isn't working huh Mom? Duhduhdurrr
I sat there the whole time with a blank expression on my face I have know idea what a vertex  of a function? or whatever was, I was like a train ready to crash and burn and the funny thing is the night before I'd made special effort to go to sleep early, but I just stayed up all night hugging my Collosal Mp3 player and staring at the ceiling. The ridlin is supposed to help me focus, and it does, just not on school work, more like the expressions on my teacher's faces and the shapes the paint dried in on the wall. (hahahahahhahhahahah)

and Food, I have a bit of chubb from my lack of activity, and the copius amounts of chocolate and ham christmas provides  ( Jesus is born! Lets get fat!)  which is weird sense I can't ever stay still for more than ten seconds, I should be getting plenty of excercise I'm pacing my room even as I write this.

When I got home I tried to download gametap (it's a kind of free game program where you get to play good games for free in different times of the year)... for whatever reason (never been a net game fan, I stopped with runescape pretty much, runescape sucks)......................, so I could do something mindlessly (at least that's the reason I gave Blackie) but I never played one game. I immediatly uninstalled it and sat on my bed. Lay on my bed.

I slept for three hours, having that "lovely"dream ,then I woke up and  I was sad last night, very sad about the dream, but Robert called (<33333?) and Blackie cheered me up. I hope Britt is not REALLY sitting in some cafeteria bleeding with a head wound and talking about oysters (oy vey)

Robert is this boy I met at the dance btw, but he also goes to Early Collegue Highschool with all my other old friends so he's not real either, he's a hollogram. He's nice and funny and far away

every teen should be allowed a tantrum so this is mine!

Me and blackie planned a Blackie and Mary B day last night and I half curse him for gettting my hopes up, of coarse she won't let me, she dosen't understand Illogic, I don't blame her but I'm still very angry and crybabyish about it.

I wanted it so BAD, I'm so sick of being around people who pretend to be my friends I just wanted one day with someone who really IS my friend, Blackie's staying home he's going to be all alone I'm so guilty about it.

According to Illogic

Can you beleive I cried? I mean I don't cry about stuff that's really sad like the dream I had or the issues with the people at school but I cry about not having a free day off with Blackie? I mean I can see where my mom is coming from but I WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT ITTTTTTTTTTTTT SO BAAAAAAAAAAAAAD she should see, she should how much I want this.

I mean she can sort of see when I'm near the edge, after two weeks of free time she thinks I'm fresh and okay, but I've had two weeks to worry about it. Leora and Blackie make me better, not me being by myself in a big house while she's at work and my step dad drinks and is monosyballic.

Yeah mom that really helps a lot.

Blackie makes it better : P any of my real friends make it better, but their far away, he's in MICHIGAN, and my other friends are right next to me but so far away because they can't be around me and make up for the fact that others aren't and don't want to be.

my little internet time, my eating, my reading, and my stays at Leora's house are little bits of reality. Net stuff is more real than school. hah.

According to illogic everything will be better when I'm out of school living in a little apartment with no ridlin, no family, no computer, no dictionary  no anything and CERTAINLY no college because at least it'll be the truth and not a lie.

Your kidding yourself Mom, what collegue am I getting in to? What am I even any good at besides falling into random, undeserved states of depressions and despiar?

I'm kidding myself , I have no talent, my wiritng is not real, it's borrowed from soemone else , any interest I have in anything is completely coincidental , and my singing is also borrowed, heck even my FRIENDS are borrowed. It's not from labor or talent of mine. this is what's given to me and apparently it's not enough to work with, having an interest in words dosen't replace an aptitude at math, and it dosen't replace optimism and self confidence or artistic talent. Interest is just interest and Britt is right, it hurts you more than it helps you.

maybe THAT's why I should stay home, nothing I do makes any damn difference,. I mean if I spell check this entry it's not like the LJ Gods will bless me. it's not like a day with Blackie would have helped by problems but it would have let me forget them, so that's a good enough reason not to fill my seat in the lunch room.
Current Location: Hell, Texas.
Current Mood: indifferentindifferent
Current Music: whistling in my ears
Loki is accepted on CoSc! Hollah! He is also very much loved.
A belated merry xmas everyone! Mine was good, I got a new scanner and I scanned everything worthwhile that I've done in the past two years (a pretty feeble pile really)

My Bounty:

New HP scanner (and awesome one)

Assorted scented bath soaps (six in all o.o, from three different people, do I smell bad or something?, maybe it's because I take showers so often that is what I will tell myself)

Lots of candy

A 25 dollar gift card for Walden Books (spent on Dark River and buying my mom a Nora whatever her last name is Book)

A really nice blue jean jacket

A really nice pink jacket with stars that is the exact opposite of the dark blue jean jacket emotion wise D:

Stardust DVD (WOOT)

25 dollars D: now six dollars, I spent it on buying my dad lunch on Christmas Eve and buying my sister green eyeshadow D:

Massage chair (actually my mom's but I use it so much it's ridiculous xD)

Oh yeah and a plate of cookies, a necklace and ROSES from JOHN



Why is he so frickin NICE?

John invited me to go to his grandmother's house for new year's I had to say no of coarse, I'm baby sitting and they've already paid me in advance. I diddn't exactly want to go either, how is it possible that ones friends can make one feel so shitty all the time, they make me squirm in guilt and I'm so eager to please everyone that when I stand up for myself it's a slap in the face. It's like he's purposfully trying to be as sweet as possible to make me feel like a dick.

As for today

I am not the happiest camper I could possibly be, I've succeeded in pissing off my most capable RP partner because I just can't stand feeling so weak and stupid anymore, it makes me insides twist and gives me a stomach ache. I can't cower to my friends it's driving me crazy, I have enough of it in real life to have to learn the digital belly crawl.

What's the point of worrying over someone who  won't worry over you, or anyone else? (dosen't change the fact that I indeed do). The truth is, that I melt around people I admire, and I can't admire someone without also hating them profusley.. Use my sister or [Insert Friend Here] as an ample example.

Blackie says I worry about things too too much, especially over how much people like me and what they think of me.
I love Blackie, he's a breath of fresh air most of the time, in his own words he's "one of my favorite people". He's probably the closest online friend I've ever had, and now a good deal closer than a lot of my IRL friends, he just lets me be me and I don't have to constantly apologize or try to please him.

He's as good as Leora in that respect, she's the best friend I've ever had, she slept over last night (or I would have posted here earlier, I've been meaning to describe Xmas) and we stayed up till god knows when just talking in the dark, she was one the little couch and I was on the big one because she's so small xDD she hates it when I make fun of her size.

On the other hand with those grades she becomes Micheal Jordan to my Pepe Le Pew..

That reminds me!

On a MUCH lighter note tommorow (actually today, it's far to late...early)  I'm carelessly using that money to go see Sweeney Todd with my padre ^.^

I want to see it SOOO bad, my sister tells me to save my money but there's nothing I really want anymore short of RAM,
 reconcilliation and college (20 dollars will definitley make a huge difference!)

oh also my sister is full of bs, she told me she was getting me a brand new microphone for christmas but his boyfriend told me she was just giving me one of the old ones they have lieing around and never told me about. Then when we had an argument she told me she wasn't giving me the microphone she bought me and I said "Good, because it's NONEXISTANT"  or something to that affect.

Man, I don't care what she gets me for christmas or if she gives me anythign, I diddn't intitially expect her to, but why does everyone have to LIE and bs me?

I'm not made of glass, It'll be okay if I'm dissapointed for ten seconds rather than being lied to and getting really pissed off.


-focus on sweeney todd, use the force-

-movie orgasm-

well bye anyone hope you all had a happy holiday
Current Location: arched over cpu
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Current Music: Here In Your Arms Remix
14 December 2007 @ 07:59 am
Has it really been that long, God, I have a lot to say, too much actually, so I'll make a list.

--Went to dance

--entered December with a bang

--failed Mid Term I studied hard on

--failed math I studied hard for

--am grounded from computer but sneaking on in the mornings.

--Am sick of this world I live in.

It's just so circular and pointless, you could say it's a bout of depression but I call it a bout of truth, there's nothing I can do to resist it so I'll go along with it, and then when I'm older I'll curse the day I did.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Kiss My Eyes
01 November 2007 @ 09:47 pm
 I had a sucky halloween but I had a good day after halloween, momma let me miss school.

I'd write more bout what happened but I have no explaination that matches quite as wel as


D :

Lana and Leora are cheering me as is mom, but I'm kind of burned out...but strangley hyper and spastic now.


I have none : (

Current Mood: lethargiclethargic
Current Music: THRILLER
02 October 2007 @ 09:56 pm
We're having financial trouble a the mo. because of Cancun, it'll get better wait and see, I still want a halloween cost. hopefully I can get a cheap one before the 31st of Rocktober.

The class I usually like the best has be frusterated, everyone snaps at me whenever I say anything, or add my two cents, I got reminded constantly about  how "this isn't middle school" and I wanted to snap

"Well then why the fuck are you all acting like  bunch of sixth graders on their first menstrual cycle"?

Of coarse I diddn't I acted like a kicked puppy, really I can't stand being snapped at or made a fool of and I don't like being anywhere where I'm not wanted. As tough as I seem I can't take it, hurts my feelings.

I love all my other classes, the only thing I like about choir is the singing and maybe joking when everyone's not so asinine my voice is so scratchy when I sing the songs too.

Is it stress related? no idea, is it just too high. VERY possibly, Miss Aliviso won't move me tho, she needs her prescious first sopranoes  Gag.

I'm tired dudes, tiredtiredtired and uninspired.

Treble choir auditions? Feck.

I just wanna be like "shut up, let me sleep and go fuck yourselves"

John asked me to homecoming but I'm not going, there's too much to do, I let him kiss me grudgingly also....I still don't like it.

I love John but...then I don't. It's weird, I want him with me, very much and I always miss him but when he kisses me it don't feel right, it's not him I just don't want to be kissed...by anyone.

I love being hugged tho
I need it a lot more than anyone would ever suppose.

Joe joe has a crush apparently I'm not sure who it is, I don't really care either, if she wants to tell me she can and I'll listen but when people go on about their boyfriends and girlfriends my attention span goes -swwwwwwwwooooshh-

Sam is just as witchy as ever, obsessed with fortune telling crap and inflicting harm on herself with rusty objects and shared coca colas she's going to get skin disseases, blood disseases, and mano, just wait and see Sammy smee.

Lets see what else?


Leora talks to Ryan now!!! FWOO!

I hope she dosen't screw it up T_T self destructive twit she can be sometimes, she's wanted it for so long and now....meh dunno she dosen't listen to me.

Gotta go, GO calls...(so does homework but I'll hang up on that bastard).

Tho I can't procrastinate practicing for Treble...I gotta admit I was almost looking forward to it.

I still LA-ove to sing!


Current Location: Southside Wonderland, yo
Current Mood: groggygroggy
Current Music: Treble choir shit
24 September 2007 @ 11:40 pm
i'm getting fat, but I've finished two good books and Val has begun to role play with me again so I'm okay, I suppose

Current Location: ...what?
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: Memories-Within Temptation