I had a nighmare last night, Britt was in it, I was in a huge gym and a bunch of people I diddn't know were crowded around me singing to me and shit because in the dream it was my birfday, I saw Britt sitting in the corner on a cafeteria lunch table, even though I've never met her before, and she was kind of just looking up at the ceiling and muttering to herself, I tried to get her to talk to me but she kept veering off the conversation and not looking me in the eye, so I got mad, and when I got a closer look I realized she had a head wound, the whole right side of her head and shoulder were covered with blood, and her hair was matted with it.
I tried to get people to help her but they still wouldn't talk to me or look me in the eye, they were singing and opening presents and stuff. I woke up then and felt a little racy my heart I mean. It's strange because I've not talked to Brit in awhile, but I have to admit she's been on my mind lately, for whatever reason.
At school yesterday I did nothing in math class, ironicly Guess the Ridlin isn't working huh Mom? Duhduhdurrr
I sat there the whole time with a blank expression on my face I have know idea what a vertex of a function? or whatever was, I was like a train ready to crash and burn and the funny thing is the night before I'd made special effort to go to sleep early, but I just stayed up all night hugging my Collosal Mp3 player and staring at the ceiling. The ridlin is supposed to help me focus, and it does, just not on school work, more like the expressions on my teacher's faces and the shapes the paint dried in on the wall. (hahahahahhahhahahah)
and Food, I have a bit of chubb from my lack of activity, and the copius amounts of chocolate and ham christmas provides ( Jesus is born! Lets get fat!) which is weird sense I can't ever stay still for more than ten seconds, I should be getting plenty of excercise I'm pacing my room even as I write this.
When I got home I tried to download gametap (it's a kind of free game program where you get to play good games for free in different times of the year)... for whatever reason (never been a net game fan, I stopped with runescape pretty much, runescape sucks)......................, so I could do something mindlessly (at least that's the reason I gave Blackie) but I never played one game. I immediatly uninstalled it and sat on my bed. Lay on my bed.
I slept for three hours, having that "lovely"dream ,then I woke up and I was sad last night, very sad about the dream, but Robert called (<33333?) and Blackie cheered me up. I hope Britt is not REALLY sitting in some cafeteria bleeding with a head wound and talking about oysters (oy vey)
Robert is this boy I met at the dance btw, but he also goes to Early Collegue Highschool with all my other old friends so he's not real either, he's a hollogram. He's nice and funny and far away
I WANNA STAY HOME
I WANNA STAY HOME SO BAD BUT MY MOM WON'T LET ME, every teen should be allowed a tantrum so this is mine!
Me and blackie planned a Blackie and Mary B day last night and I half curse him for gettting my hopes up, of coarse she won't let me, she dosen't understand Illogic, I don't blame her but I'm still very angry and crybabyish about it.
I wanted it so BAD, I'm so sick of being around people who pretend to be my friends I just wanted one day with someone who really IS my friend, Blackie's staying home he's going to be all alone I'm so guilty about it.
According to Illogic
Can you beleive I cried? I mean I don't cry about stuff that's really sad like the dream I had or the issues with the people at school but I cry about not having a free day off with Blackie? I mean I can see where my mom is coming from but I WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT ITTTTTTTTTTTTT SO BAAAAAAAAAAAAAD she should see, she should how much I want this.
I mean she can sort of see when I'm near the edge, after two weeks of free time she thinks I'm fresh and okay, but I've had two weeks to worry about it. Leora and Blackie make me better, not me being by myself in a big house while she's at work and my step dad drinks and is monosyballic.
Yeah mom that really helps a lot.
Blackie makes it better : P any of my real friends make it better, but their far away, he's in MICHIGAN, and my other friends are right next to me but so far away because they can't be around me and make up for the fact that others aren't and don't want to be.
my little internet time, my eating, my reading, and my stays at Leora's house are little bits of reality. Net stuff is more real than school. hah.
According to illogic everything will be better when I'm out of school living in a little apartment with no ridlin, no family, no computer, no dictionary no anything and CERTAINLY no college because at least it'll be the truth and not a lie.
Your kidding yourself Mom, what collegue am I getting in to? What am I even any good at besides falling into random, undeserved states of depressions and despiar?
I'm kidding myself , I have no talent, my wiritng is not real, it's borrowed from soemone else , any interest I have in anything is completely coincidental , and my singing is also borrowed, heck even my FRIENDS are borrowed. It's not from labor or talent of mine. this is what's given to me and apparently it's not enough to work with, having an interest in words dosen't replace an aptitude at math, and it dosen't replace optimism and self confidence or artistic talent. Interest is just interest and Britt is right, it hurts you more than it helps you.
maybe THAT's why I should stay home, nothing I do makes any damn difference,. I mean if I spell check this entry it's not like the LJ Gods will bless me. it's not like a day with Blackie would have helped by problems but it would have let me forget them, so that's a good enough reason not to fill my seat in the lunch room.
Current Music: whistling in my ears